QUESTION:
This past November’s elections have really impacted our family tremendously and I feel it has created a great divide between myself and adult child. We have been diligent in not discussing politics when together. However, they have decided to no longer engage in family gatherings because of our opposing political views. Their reasoning is because of the "impact on their mental health." It breaks my heart especially with holidays approaching. What are your thoughts on how best I can help my family to heal? Thanks, Sad Parent.
ANSWER:
Hello Sad Parent,
First off, I greatly appreciate the message. Thanks for reaching out.
Let me start off by saying that I understand what you are going through. This issue seems to get worse with every passing election (Especially when a particular party fails to garner enough votes to take power. Or fails in the attempt to remain in power).
The fact is the issue you are facing lies at the feet of your family member. This family member has decided to put politics and agenda above family. They have moved the needle in the direction of division. I cannot stress enough, when agenda is the motive, division is the net result.
As the parent, your role (regardless of the age of the child) is to remain the parent. Don't get caught up in all the drama. Be there for your child. Love and care for them. But in the end, "they" have to come to terms with the decisions they have made. They have to reconcile the choices they make. They have to understand the damage their actions have caused. They have to realize their actions have been the cause of great pain and hurt. Do you recognize a theme? This family member has made it all about them. And they have declared "family" the causality. You should "NOT" burden yourself with the drama they have caused. That does not mean you alienate or shun them. But in the same breath, you cannot allow yourself to be held hostage by the choices of others.
My recommendation is, allow them the space to (hopefully) think about the decisions they have made. When you do chat with your them, this subject is never brought up until "they" bring it up. And only then (when the time is right), you tell them how much their decision hurt you (Don't overdramatize it. And don't overstate it. Short and sweet). I would also make it clear that you will never support agenda over family. Politics (aka: agenda) should NEVER divide family. Regardless of differing views, your allegiance will always be to family. You don't have to agree 100% of the time to keep family intact (any full- functioning adult should know that).
Above all (I cannot stress this enough), whatever poor decisions others make, don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. People like to guilt others into agreeing with them. Or worse, they are looking for acknowledgement that you were wrong. Which only strengthens their position. It gives them power they never earned or deserve.
Remember: This has very little to do with who a person votes for. It has more to do with the reaction of those who didn't agree with the voting choice someone else made.
Don't ever forget: Love based on condition is not love. It's manipulation. There is NEVER an exception to that. When a person succumbs to love being conditional, it will set in motion a chain of events that will forever fracture their view on what love really means (and what real love looks like). The byproduct: Constant relationship failures (which includes family relationships). You be the example by loving without condition. It could be the difference maker. I hope and pray that it is. I hope this helps.
